Bat it Down

'The only way to beat it is to bat it down.'

       They say humans are able to survive change - they are able to adapt to environments and unexpected circumstances. No one could ever argue that - look how long we have been around! (fortunately or unfortunately for the rest of the planet) But that is all in terms of physical, tangible life. We survive intangible obstacles too however; feelings, blockages, let-downs, heartache, all types of trauma, but not without a price.

        As children we do as we please, we play, scream, demand, laugh and express ourselves without thinking about the consequences. Maybe that is why some people say that children are cruel and in a way they are right. Sometimes children can say some really hurtful things and put an individual in a seriously awkward position. They do this not to insult or hurt but simply because they think and verbalize. They are straight forward, honest and raw. They do not have the filters that life slowly puts into place as experience prohibits certain behaviour patterns and manerisms. Don't get me wrong - we should be thankful for those filters because otherwise people in society would plainly not be able to work together or coexist at all.

         From a very young age children learn how to shield themselves from unpleasant emotions and situations. One of these defense mechanisms has recently come to my attention. Forgetting. It is simply incredible that the human being can order the brain to forget - to wipe out or block out. Freud named this specific defense mechanism Repression, "Pulling thoughts into unconscious, preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly inexplicable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one’s own situation and condition. Emotion is conscious, idea behind it absent. Pushing uncomfortable thoughts into the subconscious." Ring a bell? 

         I thought I was generally quite an open person. I do talk a lot which can be confidently proven by the people close to me. I talk about feelings and all that mushy stuff going on inside but last night i had a realization. I do not express the things that hurt me most. I said something that not only shocked someone extremely close to me but it also shocked me. A piece of information so obvious to me had never been spoken out loud. "You never told me that, I had no idea!"... Well neither did I. I was completely unable to talk about that 'piece of information' without chocking up. I was sure that I had spoken about it, that it was common knowledge. After saying it out loud I dug a little further and found that it in fact still really affecting and bothering me. I had chosen to forget about it, had forbidden myself to think about it let alone talk about it. I was embarrassed by it. 

      Here's the silver lining (because there always is one somewhere in amongst the cumulonimbus clouds), I feel lighter. Saying it out loud and hearing the response was liberating. I no longer feel embarrassed about something so well hidden away. I am now also able to work on shifting some of that weight off my shoulders. This does not mean that it will disappear but it does mean that I can accept it and stop suppressing it. Keeping things hidden like that will build up. Its like layering unresolved problem upon unresolved problem creating a huge, think wall of mud. It is difficult to know where to start scraping when the damn thing gets so big and tall. 

       It is a start just being aware of this subconscious suppression. It is a start being aware and trying to deal with things as they come. Incident - feeling and dealing. That way you can bring the stacking down to a minimum and can start shedding unwanted weight from your shoulders.  I think it sounds like a good plan.