Aging - evolution of self

         Growing up is a funny thing to have happen to you. Lots of peculiar changes and unknown feelings that one has to become accustomed to. Alongside all the negatives surrounding us and poking us from all angles - aging - wrinkles, saggy skin, diminishing energy levels and health problems, there is something wonderful that happens. That extraordinary, inspiring thing is getting to know yourself.
          When you are young, insecurities, worries and social awkwardness runs high. I'm not saying these things go away but we tend to feel the need to fit in, to be part of a group, accepted. You don't feel comfortable in your own skin and often times look at yourself in the mirror and feel utter revulsion.
           Something changes over the years. That longing for acceptance seems to fade away as you begin to work and often times battle to accept yourself. You start wanting to simplify your life and yourself. It is almost like moving into a new home. You arrive and there is crap everywhere; all spread out and messy. Boxes and boxes of things - most of which you do not need. As you stand in your new doorway you look at the piles and wonder where in the world to begin. Just like any project or task you must start from somewhere and when you do you find a flow that feels good.
           A lot of what is in your boxes however does not have a place in your new home. It may not fit or may not appeal to the new aura being created. Things start coming together, going on shelves, displayed for you to see, admire and connect with every day. You will inevitably throw things out - a lot of things. Doing so allows you to keep what you are willing and able to live with.
           Just as one clears out when moving into a new home, that is how we clear out in our lives as we grow older.  We find out in time what we like, what we need and what we want - and likewise what we do not like, what we do not need and what we do not want. Trial and error - we figure it all out as we go, chipping away at a sculpture, creating a masterpiece which we call our world. We surround ourselves with 'things' we love.
           We accept ourselves and learn to love who we are. It never ends, we are constantly in this process of evolution. Learning and changing. I have a scenario in my head of a period of time that was really memorable. I was walking to class in the center of Athens with my headphones in. I cannot recall what the weather was like or what music i was listening to - they were obviously not significant enough. I do however remember how i felt. GREAT. Looking back i try and think of what it was that created this sensation, i never really get anywhere. I was living alone, i had no car, i was fabulously single. So much was happening around me - traffic, people, busy busy every day life and i walking, just like everyone else, oblivious to all chaos, anxiety or negativity. I was surrounded by a bubble. It wasn't too tight and it wasn't too loose - it was simply perfect. 

Inspired by a novel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmXnnwgZCaM&feature=related

I used to think there was something really special about you and me. It was a crazy affair but one that is never forgotten no matter how hard I try. I never see you now. Our lives were always miles apart but we managed to meet half way now and then. Actually I was the one doing all the hiking. Looking back on it now, and it is like a lifetime ago, it all seems like a blur. I wonder if you have changed dramatically or if you are still the same. I never thought I knew you well but I knew what you showed me and that was more than enough. The pathways towards you (which are entwined and scattered) have been sealed shut for so long that it is difficult for me to express what it is like with you.

So many incidents stand in between, so many obstacles now permanently set. My mind however can jump over all of those and still reaches you at the most random of times. You are often in my dreams and in my thoughts, even though I do not utter the words. I am forbidden to cross that bridge again in fear that I will be caught. Caught and put under a magnifying glass for everybody to scrutinize. After all that has happened I am ashamed that you are still the one for me. I am ashamed that I still wish for you. Like giving a child a tiny corner of cake when the whole thing stands in all its glory ready to be devoured by everyone but them. Usually I would prefer to not taste it at all – but I have. I remember the gaze, the electricity, the power in what we had. It’s just a nice memory I say to myself, nothing will ever come of it so shut it out, block it out, erase it, forget it. You always seem to seep through though.

A question remains, which has long gone unanswered. Can a connection so deep ever be one sided? I always wrote about what was happening inside me in the period of time you were in my life. As if speaking the words aloud just wasn’t enough. It was so deeply felt that it needed to be seen, heard as well as felt and ‘tasted’ (dare I say). The fifth sense being touch went on multiple levels. It pieced right through and carved a little letter on my heart as well as needles to my ankle. So prohibited is this topic that I think before I write so as to make sure the subject is not clear enough to be understood by others but by me alone.  “It doesn’t represent some love’s initial does it?” some may ask – in a tone so belittling I have a set answer for the question. I let a loud laugh explode from  my stomach before saying “of course not, what do you think I am crazy?”. It can only be so.